Optimism

It is hard to be optimistic when pessimism keeps knocking it out of the way.
Last Friday I started to feel a pain in my chest near my heart. The best way I could describe the pain is a cramp in my heart. I thought it might just be a pulled muscle so I took Advil and hoped it would go away. This past Tuesday it was so bad I could no longer stand the pain. I called my doc and he told me to go to the ER b/c women that just gave birth can get a Pulmonary embolism which is a blood clot in the lung. I was totally freaked out after that. I called Eric and explained that I have to go to the ER. I was watching my Nephew Alex that day and I called joy to see if she could come and watch all three boys b/c I could not wait any longer. She had something to finish at work and then she was on her way. My bro came to pick up Alex before Joe arrived and so I left.

Driving to the ER I thought to myself everything will be fine; I do not have a blood clot in my lung and I am sure I do not have lung cancer even though I smoked heavily for 10 years. I prayed and said the Jesus pray over and over. I arrived in the ER they took me in right away, took some blood and sent me for a lung scan. After the lung scan the nurse came in to give me some fluids through the IV and said
"One of your blood test came back elevated".
I replied "And"
Nurse: " Well something is wrong with your heart; the norm should be 0.04 and yours was .77"
"Me: "My Heart"?
Nurse: " yes sweetie your heart".
At that moment my life flashed before me. I was fully expecting something to be wrong with my lungs, a small mass from smoking for 10 years and b/c they caught it early and this is 2006 they would fix it and I would be fine.
MY HEART though!
So I was admitted cardiac unit Tuesday evening, missing Noah’s second Halloween and Silas First.
It was very depressing being surrounded by dying old people who were moaning and groaning in pain or comments from the medical staff like “oh you are so young” or “oh you’re the one I heard about with the 6 week old baby and 18 month old at home”.

After many tests and days of lying in the hospital bed away from my children and husband they diagnosed me with cardiomyopathy. When the doc first told me this, the first thing that went through my mind was the movie beaches and death and I instantly began crying.
Cardiomyopathy is a potential serious disease in which the heart muscle becomes inflamed and doesn't work as well as it should. It may be due to labor or cogentail it will be a matter of time before I know forsure.

How could I have potentially fatal illness why me? I said the Jesus pray and told myself to be strong and that I will be ok.
On Saturday evening I spent the night at my parents b/c Eric had to work late and I did not want to be alone. My mom took both boys to church with here that night and I laid on the couch crying, afraid to close my eyes for fear they would never open again.
I took the attitude that I had to be optimistic for Eric, Noah, Silas and myself. So I went to bed that night confident I would be just fine and live to see my boys graduate college.
The next morning I went to church feeling very tired,warn out and dizzy but confident.
I was sitting with joy and Silas in the church hall when a man from the church who is a fertility specialties came up to me and said
“How are you feeling"?
"Ok, just tired" I replied
He replied, "Well the last death at the hospital was a cardiomyopathy case and a young person too"
Just as I was trying to be optimistic, pessimism knocked me down. I wanted to punch this man, was he kidding, you do not say something like that to someone. He is a fertility specialist not an ER doc what is he talking about "last death at the hospital” It is a hospital people die every minute. What an idiot.
Needless to say all day Sunday my life flashed before me.
"Savor every minute with Noah and Silas, love Eric and the boys to the fullest b/c who knows how long you have" this is what I thought to myself.
When it was time for bed I was scared but I said the Jesus pray and went to bed with confidence.